Maybe I want to love my dream that will never come true...

I'm here in Oakland living with Lily, Kiernan, and Gabriel. The weather is lovely, the hills are hilly, and the excitement is blossoming.

All I need is a job and I will feel a lot more calm. And for my boxes to get here from home (c'mon, mom!).

My neighborhood is called Lake Merritt and reminds me of Pawtucket, RI. There are a lot of working-class families in this residential neighborhood. Corner stores for lottery tickets and 40oz beers. Beware of Dog signs and frontyard vegetable gardens full of tomatoes and lettuces. Kids playing, palm trees, and the occassional street walker or drunk stumbling man. A nice balance of reality and fantastic California imagery. California isn't home, and I don't want it to be. I just want it to be the place where I live for now. Nothing trumps my real home.

Loneliness is a factor here, but as long as I stay busy and put energy into meeting high-quality lovely people, I'll be ok. My father calls me a Friend Magnet. I love friendship, and I live for friendship. (I miss you, Providence people!) Phone calls are very helpful. I am going to try very hard to make my phone calls on a regular basis. Call me, too. I need that. I feel that there is going to be a lot of sifting through of crappy people in this city. But I'll find the good ones.

:: disclaimer - I'm about to get all emo ::

I have also been missing the feeling of being in love for quite some time. I thought I had it, and it passed, then came back, then passed, then came back all of a sudden in the week before I left. I'm pretty sure it's a one-sided unrequited love. I'm pretty sure I'm being used and led on, but like the song says, "maybe I want to love my dream that will never come true."

Maybe it's easier to be hopeful and curious and obsessive about love than it is to actually put in the effort to be in a healthy relationship. I haven't been single for this long since before 8th grade. I'm freaking out. Somebody marry me, FAST! Then again, I don't think I've had feelings this strong in a loooong time. Well, good thing I just moved 3,000 miles away from the person I love. Perhaps this will give me perspective on why it's best not to love someone who can't commit. Or perhaps I should just accept that I want to elope and be a swinger.

In a nutshell:
I'm lonely and happy,
excited and exhausted,
sober and scared,
poor and imaginative.

Come visit me. It's beautiful here.

Love,
Carla